Adolescence

Preface

In the jet age soaring around us today, we make desperate attempts to surmount the peaks of challenges that stand in the way of affluence. This mad race keeps us so preoccupied that we fail to recognize our predominant responsibility of parenting – if we are a parent.

This lack of adequate adherence to our duty casts a lasting impression on the upcoming generation. The impression is not of care, concern or respect. The image being formed is that of callousness due to self pursuit and thereby the natural rise of disrespect.

It has been noticed that parents do desire to partake their share of responsibility in organising the right upbringing of their off springs. However, it is the lack of appropriate guidelines for worthwhile parenting that keeps parents away from ensuring the right kind of atmosphere.

During various interactive sessions with students, parents, teachers and counsellors it has been my observation that all convey their worries about the upbringing problems. Fundamentally, the issue of parenting or of adult guidance to the young and the growing is a matter of awareness or the lack of it. Most of the time the issue of awareness is an outcome of our effort to get aware or our lousiness to remain unaware.

Every adult of the day has undergone the experience and thereby the trauma of growing up through the turbulent teens and the painful adolescence. Why then does the adult of today forget that the pains of yesteryears that bewildered their being and agonised life continues to persist with the same intensity for all those who tread that path at all times.

The male teenager undergoes the pain of realization of his male sexuality and the lack of awareness of any aspect or form that delineates the growth process. Mothers become the opposite sex with whom the male teenager finds a gap while the father is a distant adult who does not find time and mental space to accommodate the teenager’s doubts and worries.

The female teenager on the other hand faces numerous restrictions to her outings and interactions with the opposite sex. The poor being is not able to understand the logic and the cause behind the sudden sprouting of all the coercive measures to rid her of her independence. Thereafter the trail of sexual growth comes with its own share of myths and mysteries with none to aid in any form.

Parents are often harrowed with the trauma of not being able to manage the teenager the way that brings out the best form of teenage life. It is very difficult for most parents to communicate their dilemma to anyone for help or advice. Why this difficulty? None has ever known the secrets of adult thought metamorphosis. Hence none shall ever be able to know why the helper refrains from getting help for himself so that he could help those in need.

Besides the situation of being exposed to a problem of the teenager, parents also find it hard to acknowledge their own selves as part and parcel of the problematic situation.

The brief account that follows, is an attempt to allay the parents’ difficulties and assist them help the teenager find wider roads to the travel beyond teenage.

The Need

The singular challenge of the current age parent is parenting the present day child. The stress of modern life intertwined with sensitive demands of social existence leave little time for the parent to ponder and settle upon the correct and effective course of parenting. Restricted avenues of adequate guidelines   make parents prevaricate.

Many children of the day wander away into the undesired direction due to lack of operative parenting. The other difficulty that the children of today face is the disproportionate parental pressure towards achieving objectives. It is very devastating for a growing individual to cope up with the multiple prongs of the pressure all around.

Every adult individual desires to load upon the growing soul some measure of his/her own wishes. Often these wishes are unrealized dreams of the adults who aspire to consummate the same through the efforts of the emerging generation.

The adults forget the need to understand and sympathize with the traumatic experience of growing up – a fate that every teenager has to undergo. It is difficult to analyze the reasons for such lack of empathy. Every adult of the day has undergone similar stress and yearned for help which he/she might have got or not, yet they fail to recognize the distress of the teenager.

Probably one gives back to the society what one receives. In this context it is pertinent that the teenager of today gets the right care and concern so that the same may be transferred to the generation that follows them. The content that follows is an attempt to understand teenage and its vagaries.

Adolescence And Puberty Defined

Adolescence is the time in a person’s life when he/she begins developing from a child into an adult. Generally the age is between 13 and 18 years.

Puberty is the period of a person’s life during which the sexual organs develop and the person becomes capable of bearing offsprings.

The life of an individual remains replete with fun, frolic and thoughtless pleasure until teenage comes with an onslaught of emotional storm and physical strain.

Teenage trumpets its arrival along with its burden of adolescence i.e. a long period of six years coupled with the onset of puberty. Little do the thus far young carefree souls realize their entry into a period of stress. This eventually reflects on their minds and takes a heavy toll on their thought processes and their emotional quotients.

Understanding Puberty

Puberty refers to physical changes that render a person capable of the biological process of child bearing. Adolescence is the time period during which such changes begin and mature. It should be understood that adolescence is more psychological in reference and should not be used interchangeably with the concept and meaning of puberty.

The anxieties that associate with puberty strike at the commencement of the teenage. Multiple physical changes and variety of emotional effects as a consequence of the physical changes rage across the individual’s mind and provoke unprecedented and unheard of behaviour in the form of reactions to advice and guidance from adults.

Arrival of puberty is announced by the emergence of pubic hair, deformation of the facial smoothness in the form of acnes and moles. In females, it is further accompanied by the growth of the breasts and commencement of the menstrual cycle. In case of males, the appearance of beard or moustache lining signal puberty. Simultaneously, the ever-growing internal desire of respect and command as that of an adult begins.

Physical changes as characterised by the hormonal changes in the body, emotional and psychological changes as characterised by the stress and strain of growing up and the change in the social perception result in transforming the hitherto innocent mind into a thinking and analysing mental pot.

Growth And Influence Of Hormones

The advent of puberty varies between the ages 9 and 13 years for girls and 11 and 15 years for boys. However, it is common to find alterations in the lower and the upper limits of the ages mentioned.

The changes are largely affected by natural surroundings and food habits. Besides, the exposure to sexual knowledge and sexual habits also affects the onset of puberty. In big cities where exposure to sexual knowledge is more than smaller places as well as the food habits are comparably far richer, an early onset of puberty can be seen. It is noticed that puberty may arrive as early as the age of nine years in girls and ten years in boys.

The Biological Changes During Adolescence

The Process of the Onset of Puberty:

The approach of puberty is signalled by the brain. The hypothalamus of the brain sets into motion an action in the pituitary gland, which produces three kinds of hormones.

These hormones, in females, stimulate the ovaries leading to secretions of estrogens and progesterone that cause the formation of eggs in the ovaries. The release of the hormones in females is cyclic, hence the menstruation cycles.

The hormonal affect in the males reflects in the effect on the testis that in turn leads to the production of sperms and testosterone.  The testosterone levels are guided by the hypothalamus and the pituitary.

Menstrual or Ovarian Cycle in Females:

Reproductive period in females extends from puberty (10–14 years) to menopause^* (45–55 years). During this reproductive period the female reproductive tract undergoes a series of cyclic changes called the menstrual cycle. The menstrual cycle, on an average, is completed in 28 days. The menstrual cycle is completed in four phases:

1. Menstrual Phase – This involves the breakdown of uterine wall and its discharge along with blood in the form of vaginal bleeding. This phase lasts for 3 – 5 days.
2. Follicular or Proliferative Phase – This lasts for 10 – 12 days (from 5^thto 14^th day of the menstrual cycle). Under the stimulation of FSH–RF (Follicle Stimulating Hormone Releasing Factor) of the hypothalamus, there is an increased secretion of FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) from the anterior pituitary gland. FSH stimulates the maturation of the primary ovarian follicle into a Graffian Follicle (mature follicle). The Graffian follicle secretes the hormone estrogen which has the following effects:
• Stimulates growth and maintenance of secondary sex organs.
• Uterine Endometrium becomes thicker, more vascular and more glandular.
• The Epithelium of fallopian tubes becomes thicker and densely ciliated to conduct the ovum/zygote Inhibits the secretions of FSH and stimulates the secretion LH (Leutinising hormone) form the anterior Pituitary.
3. Ovulatory Phase – It occurs midway of the menstrual cycle (15^th day). The mature Graffian follicle releases the ovum or egg. This process is called Ovulation. Ovulation is controlled by increased LH level. LH also starts the change of the empty Graffian follicle into Corpus Luteum.
4. Luteal Phase – It lasts for 12 –14 days (from 16^thto 28^th day of the menstrual cycle. Corpus Luteal (yellow body) increases in size and secretes the hormone progesterone which slowly increases in blood and brings about the following changes:

• Decreases the secretion of FSH and LH, thereby inhibiting the maturation of ovarian follicles and ovulation.
• Furthers the proliferation of uterine
• Reduces uterine movements.

If no fertilization occurs, the Corpus Luteum starts degenerating. The level of progesterone declines and the uterine tissues fail to be maintained. As a result, the unfertilized ovum along with the ruptured uterine endometrium, some blood and mucus get discharged as menstrual flow leading to the onset of the menstruation phase i.e. the beginning of the menstrual cycle.

Decreased level of progesterone and estrogen in the blood stimulates the hypothalamus and anterior pituitary to release FSH–RF and FSH respectively, which will start the follicular phase. If fertilization occurs then the corpus luteum is maintained and progesterone level remains high. Progesterone maintains pregnancy and prevents ovulation during the gestation period.

It should be noted that the rupture of the uterine is halted during pregnancy hence the menstrual cycle is suspended.

Spermatogenesis:

Reproductive period in males begins at puberty and extends up to the time it ends.

Spermatogenesis: It is the formation of functional male gamete or spermatozoa. This process takes place in the following phase:

1. Multiplicative Phase – The cells of the seminiferous tubules (germinal epithelium) of the testis undergo mitosis to form cells with large diploid nuclei called Spermatognia.
2. Growth Phase – The spermatognia grow larger by accumulating nutritive material and are now called the Primary Spermatocyte.
3. Maturation Phase – The primary Spermatocyte undergoes meiosis (reductional division) and forms two haploid cells called secondary Spermatocytes. The secondary Spermatocytes undergo meiosis II to form two spermatids.
4. Spermiogenesis – The transformation of a non-motile spermatid to a functional motile spermatozoa/sperm is called Spermiogenesis.

The Emotional Struggle

Having moved into the area where children can physically compare themselves with their grown ups, the other parallel that is drawn is the daily habits and dress ups.

While girls have to get used to wearing braziers, the males get into the use of razors. Another factor that affects the growing souls is the sudden cracking of voices and causing embarrassments at times. Life at this point of time is pitched on a roller coaster where you feel the thrill of movement; simultaneously the chill of it scares you. Nevertheless, once you have boarded it, you have to go through it till it stops. There is no offloading in between.

The menstruation cycle for the girls is a traumatic experience because of the sudden physical pain such as cramps in the thigh and in the stomach, feeling of heaviness and fever. These ailments leave the maturing mothers of tomorrow in an emotional vacuum where they are unable to explain to themselves the cause of their trauma.

Some take it as a curse of being a woman, while others accept it as the justification of their being the weaker sex. Generally, lack of right advice and right companionship, leaves the young girl alone and groping all by herself to imagine the dread of the recurrence each time the symptoms reappear every month.

A variety of physical traumas can be associated with the pre-menstrual syndrome as noted above. Cramps, acnes, pimples and others such as swelling in the limbs, changes in the desire to eat (appetite changes), pain and tenderness in the just formed breasts, besides huge fluctuations of the mood because of fatigue and irritation come to become an everyday problem.

Sometimes we can see the girls stepping into adulthood undergo very painful experiences. It is always advisable to consult a physician along with enlightening the individual with the knowledge and purpose of the entire process of such changes and the causes of the stress that are experienced.

The Parent And The Predicament

My Adversary and I

The very lovable and likable parents, who have been the object of adoration till the point of time in reference, slowly get converted into the most hated adversary ever.

The innocence of the once little doll, gets coated with rebellions and refusals. Same is the case with boys, where the mother becomes an object of receiving the venom poured against retaliations to improper parenthood, while the father is target number one on the hate list.

The Parents’ Dilemma

Generally, we tend to categorize the parents of the teenagers into two broad categories–the acceptors and the deniers.

Acceptors are those who take upon themselves the inconveniences of the parenthood. Resistances, regret and distance from the child always form a part of this family. Consoling the spouse to wait and watch till the dreaded age passes over is the common bedtime to midnight talk of the concerned parents.

This excessive preoccupation, over an issue which is taken as non–correctable or non–remediable, takes away most of the time and thought of the parents. Consequently the concern for each other takes a back seat and the husband-wife relationship tends to suffer.

The family orientation becomes a morose set up where all wait for destiny to pass over. It is a pity – people hardly realise that the teenager, lost in the web of time and age, may also be drifting away towards irreconcilable ends.

Deniers are those who refuse to acknowledge the emergence of adulthood in their offsprings. This refusal of acknowledgement leads to vehement confrontation with the adulthood in the making.

The perennial belief that all good has to be decided by the parents leaves the deniers in a violent struggle with the teenager and with themselves as well. The mental block is an outcome of feudal mentality that restricts acceptance of the growth of another individual. The adult habit of denying individuality and asking for subservience is very much in focus at this juncture.

Friend is an ideal category where the parents can place themselves and enjoy the experience of the growing up of their offsprings. Remember, every adult has to traverse the years of teenage to acquire the status of adulthood and subsequently, parenthood.

A friend need not always be a ‘yes man’ or a constant adversary. Friendship thrives when individuals respect individuality and accept individuals as they are. If the more senior partner (the parent) exercises the tenets of quality friendship, he can have the pleasure of being the confidante as well as the guide. In addition, the parent grooms into the appropriate mentors, who cheer and chide without any loss of interpersonal relationship.

Common Teenage Issues

The onset of the teens is an immediate expression of the onset of adulthood as understood by the teenagers. While the charm of growing up or being an adult mesmerises the individual, it also comes with its own share of difficulties.

Adulthood does not merely incorporate the spirit of independence but it also seeks to load this individuality with a fair amount of responsibility. The effort to strike a balance between independence and responsibility traumatises the teenager. Individual forays into unknown or unguided realms become the fancy of a teenaged soul. Naturally this fancy causes a variety of ill found circumstances where the teenage stands lost and incapable of emerging on his/her own.

Teenagers face a host of physical, emotional and psychosocial problems. Let us look into the very common problems of parents and teenagers one by one.

Physical problems

The Slimming Disease is the most common of all. Boy or girl, come the realization of gender specific growth and emotions, a terrible desire grips the two to exhibit physical finesse largely to play up self esteem and play down the constant urge to stalk the other gender. While, slimming is at the heart of physical attraction in girls, toned and well-shaped muscles are the major concern of the boys. Little do these teenagers, warring against their natural outfit, realize that the barbie doll the girls aim to become, project none but skeletons skinned up and clothed. The well-shaped boys look more like a plastic model or a model hanger to hang dress material or ready to wears.

Maintaining a healthy body is indeed very important but exaggerating concerns that lead to forcible alterations of physical dimensions are very dangerous. Numerous diseases spring up because of such disadvantaged pursuits.

Anorexia is an expression of the excessive desire towards thinness leading to in explainable reduction in food intake. This disease is an expression of an eroding self-esteem and falling self-confidence.

The disease by itself affects the entire immune system of the body leaving it prone to diseases of all forms, big or small. Such subservience because of weak resistance eventually tethers the individual’s confidence and causes the individual pride to stoop. So while the body suffers, so does the soul.

Anorexia is a leading cause of Amenorrhea in women and it can also lead to impotency in men.

Bulimia is contrary to anorexia. Bulimia projects a voracious appetite that leaves one hogging away at all they can lay their hands on. It is also seen and believed that they take medicines to purge themselves of the inconveniences caused because of overeating. These are the compulsive over-eaters and are almost addicted to the habit like a drug addict. Little do these patients realize that they make their body a germination ground for various neurotic and physical ailments.

The Treatment of Anorexia and Bulimia relates to regulation of food habits. As both relate to eating and the attached satiation or lack of it, it is very important to help these people recognise their own selves and recognise their self-esteem quotient. Effective interaction that may help to understand the need and purpose of the good physical health which is governed by a balanced diet and requisite dose of self-esteem should be done.

The fundamental of all lines of treatment should eventually aim at resurrection of the self pride and belief of self control  over one’s own life. Coupled with this, there should be sustained monitoring over an extended period of time. This monitoring can be taken up only by a parent to ensure that desired results do take place and a purposeful end to the effort of rebuilding a life is ensured.

Programmed, methodical, balanced and needful diet should be strictly maintained in both cases. General comments of friends and family members make a disastrous effect on the sufferers of the two disorders and affect their self-esteem adversely. This psychological erosion of self-respect becomes very difficult to handle. While an effort is made to carry forth the public line of action, the hidden attempt is always to recoil back to one’s own ways of eating.

Some of the special factors that we need to keep in mind are:

Refrain from snubbing helps over ride the eroding confidence.

Refrain from mocking is very important. Do not exercise fun at the cost of the looks of the teenager. It hurts the pride and pricks at their lack of ability to regulate their own bodies. There should be a total restraint at the natural ability of every person to mock at the other, especially when the person concerned is your own offspring. Mocking is an inhuman uncivilized trait, thereby exposing the lack of civilization and failure of humanity in a civilized human being.

Exhibit self example to get an effective return. Generally the prescription writing doctor finds his presence in all adults while advising youngsters, teenagers in particular. However, seldom do the parents realize the adversity of tuning up lectures to be followed by their teenage offspring.

The ‘me-doctor’ approach of the parent towards the teenage child gets rebuffed and causes a rift between the two. Parents should first inculcate in themselves a regular habit of essential exercises and effective dietary habits. In addition, sports can be added to enhance the family life style.

It is unfair, unwise and unacceptable to expect your child to go out for early morning exercise while you dose off to a rhythmic snore or expect your child to take a post dinner strawl while you continue to be the couch potato. In the same manner, it is completely unfair to expect a teenager subsist on fibre and dry foods that is non-fatty in nature, while you gorge away at delicacies of high calorific value.

When it is games or sports, all parents may not actually be able to set personal examples. Nevertheless, one can always encourage the child to proceed into a world where sports form an integral part of the daily routine. Indeed, self-example and personal involvement in the teenager’s daily schedule shall help the latter acquire a habit and find logic and reason in practising the habit.

Amenorrhoea emerges from the Greek roots, which indicate ‘no monthly flow’. A less frequent name is Amenia. The disease is of two types – Primary and Secondary. Primary amenorrhoea is a situation where the menstruation never takes place; primarily it fails to begin at puberty. Secondary amenorrhoea is a situation where the menstruation cycle stops. Amenorrhea is a symptom of anorexic female teenagers. It is not very well substantiated, but researches have been successful in showing such relationship. Besides, anorexia has also been seen as a cause of impotency in males.

Anorexia and Bulimia are great contributors to Amenorrhea because in each case either there is a sudden surge of weight or quick loss of weight. Such major alterations in the body weight also reflect in the ovarian system and lead to the causation of the disease.

Galectorrhea is somewhat associated with Amenorrhea. An examination of Galectorrhea, which refers to a milky discharge from the breast, helps establish the course of treatment for Amenorrhea.

Treatment of Amenorrhoea is a lengthy process. The history of the menstrual cycle needs to be recorded and other related symptoms like Galectorrhea or Hyper-Prolactinernia need to be thoroughly examined.

The functioning of the thyroid also plays an important role in such cases and Hyperthyroidism can also be a factor that affects Amenorrhea. Sometimes the pituitary failure also contributes to this disease. So, a treatment investigating all possible areas should be taken up to affect a meaningful recovery.

Hyperactive Children are those who indulge in a lot of activism. Hyperactivity generally surrounds children under teens. Time, exposure, interactions, resolutions and the experiences thereby tell us that hyperactivity is a predominant feature of children right up to the culmination of their teenage.

It is very essential for us to recognise the features and forms of hyperactivity. Hyperactivism does not necessarily expose excessive physical expression or actions; neither does it depict mere violent or strong outbursts in talk. The two are just a part of Hyperactivism.

‘Hyper’, as we understand is something that is more than the normal. Everybody responsible for teenage care should gather knowledge of the meaning of hyper. If we are able to understand it well, we shall be able to gauge that excessive reclusion, excessive silence is also an equally hyperactive behaviour, something that most of us fail to gauge and take pride in advancing and advertising the serenity that surrounds our teenagers.

The Treatment of Hyperactivism involves all those who are around the hyperactive child. It is believed that the compulsive offenders of the hyperactive treatment scheme are the parents, the teachers, or the companions who do not provide the requisite care and reflect laxity in keeping a watch.

On the contrary, I believe, it is not a monitoring failure. Rather, it is a prescription failure by the treating agency. The constant rebuff to a hyperactive patient is the long list of don’ts and a rather blank copy of do’s. 

Hyperactivity is not only an excessive expression of moving into the extremes of speech, thought or action, but it is also a projection of resentment with the environment and the people around. Time has conveyed that a patient ear to the variegated teenage queries and confusions may cause a lot of hyperness to cease. Beyond this, a schedule of effective, innovative, interest-oriented and indulging activities that incite the mental faculty to respond to creativity and coordinate physical prowess to give shape to the desired work type can play a strong deterrent to hyperactive behaviour.

Meaningful engagements, sensitive to the individual’s triumphs and failures can work wonders in curbing hyperactive behaviour. The activities termed meaningful need not necessarily comprise intellect oriented academic pursuits or physique oriented sporting designs. Most of the time the pleasure oriented hobbies and extra curricular non-evaluative endeavours grant better peace of mind to the hyperactive than anything else. Effective planning of aptitude oriented engagements that preoccupy the ever-straying mind and project achievement in accomplishment should be designed and forwarded to the hyperactive individual. For example, in case of a sports predisposed child, physically active field games such as football, hockey etc. or cycling and athletic activities shall be of great help. The indoor inclined child can be given a lot of project-oriented work according to the interest, which would help channelize activism and gain knowledge as well.

Such methodical manoeuvres arrest the physical and mental wanderings and garner faculties of the individuals towards  goal-oriented efforts thereby drowsing hyperactivity and engaging a channel of purposeful outcome.

Psychosocial Problems

Sibling Rivalry is very often noted during the teenage. Siblings undergo a lot of one to one contests in trying to out do the other, thus propagating a lot of rivalry amongst themselves. This rivalry is not because of any specific “have to win” attitude but it is primarily because of the strong “must show down” attitude. Consequently, such repeated and regular confrontations lead to the distancing of the sibling relationship, eventually emerging in the form of isolation.

As parents, how often have we ventured to analyze our roles in this quarrel? Most parents never forget to highlight an ability of one of their children to show a lesson to the other and vice versa. It should be realized that each such incident does not formalize or idealize an opportunity for one sibling to learn from the other, but gives another situation, another reason and another parameter to justify the sibling disgust and hatred.

It is not a difficult proposition to promote sibling compassion and camaraderie. It is required that parents promote a sort of interdependence between or amongst them in all common areas of family living. In addition, mutual support in academics, sports or extracurricular forays should be propagated.

Parents need not take the pride in judging and passing strictures during discords rather they should play the compromise makers and always leave the matter in dispute to be resolved by the discordant parties. Such parental behaviour conveys the importance of a sibling in the life of the other and thus begins the entire pleasant living.

Importance of Friends is at its peak during teenage. The gullible teenager is a craving soul, always seeking companionship of like pleasures and like pains. Such collegiality is not to be found in the far adult parents or an elder or younger sibling. It is found only in those who belong to that particular age group and this is the circle of similar aged friends. It often pinches the parents and the siblings because the two expect relationships to be very close and consider themselves far more important than the friendship world that lies outside the home periphery.

As a parent if one thinks back to one’s own days where the commencement of the teen stirred up a host of conflicting emotions and always hit at the ego when ever objected with regard to ways, habits and friends. This is the condition of the teenagers of all times.

Why don’t the grown ups look into their own past and salvage the remains of their own experiences and modify their adult outlook to accept the teenage offspring the way they liked to be accepted when they were thus? It is important to understand that though most of these so-called friendship bound companionship eventually withers into a temporary time acquaintance, some of them do live beyond place and time and even beyond gains and losses and emerge as ‘the friend in need, the friend indeed.’

Tackle the Love Factor in the tenderest manner possible. But is the nomenclature – love factor – apt? It is really surprising to understand that love germinates during the teenage. At the same time, this surprise is because of the mental decay that engulfs us – the grown ups.

While we talk of love between and for family members, we fail to acknowledge the love of a teenager for another, of the other gender. The reason may be the sexual dimension that we accord to a teenager’s attraction towards the other gender.

It is very important that parents learn to understand and respect the teenager’s approximation of his/her feelings towards the other gender and accord it the due respect.

Battering of such emotions leaves a teenager starved of any opposite gender interaction and induces the mind with negative thoughts. Such derailment of normal human feelings is predominantly because of the insensitivity of the adult clan that deems it its duty to over see and harmonize the morality overtones of teenage life.

The lesson to be learnt here is, while we give sufficient interactive lessons to the teenager with regard to sex and sexuality, we should not always look at his inclinations towards the opposite gender through a sexual microscope. If Freud is to be believed, even parents have their preferences according to the sex of their offsprings. Is it not unwise then to curtail a normal emotional bonding that may have larger than life reasons?

The argument remains, the love factor. Why does any human being aspire to acquire a degree of attachment with anyone–the same gender or opposite? Such a situation takes shape primarily when the mental frequencies match and enjoy co-existence along with the individual difference inherent in them. This very first cause of coordinating a mental balance and thereafter carrying forth has nothing what so ever to do with sex or sexuality.

Looking at the positive side, physical intimacy need not be necessarily an inclination towards sexual behaviour. Physical intimacy may also be an expression of care, concern and expectation of same in return. Love is an emotion that propels, projects, and acquires fulfilment in companionship. This companionship could be a physical closeness or a mental neighbourhood. It has nothing to do with sex or sexuality, which are anyway an expression of the gender consciousness in human beings or any creature for that matter.

The love factor therefore is a utopian reverberation of meaningful existence and we need not thwart the seedling of love in a teenager.

It is a must for us to understand that we need to purge ourselves of the debased classifications that are generally indulged into. It is unfortunate that in all cases of teenage opposite gender attachment, we term it as ‘Infatuation’.

We understand infatuation as a temporary strong feeling that is generally unreasonable. The dictionary too defines infatuation as strong feelings of love or attraction for somebody or something, especially when the feelings are unreasonable and do not last long.

Probably the lexicographer forgot the definition of love when he used it to form a part of the meaning of infatuation. It could also be that the dependency for existence of the teenager became the sole focus of the adult who always believed that the teenager could not execute emotions or rightly emote an experience because of his lack of ability in self dependency.  

Adults use this teenage flaw to christen the teenage love as irrelevant. I would not call it irrelevant because looking at the meaning of love and using it to define infatuation renders either the word love or the word infatuation invalid for whatever they stand to express. All adults, parents, teachers and the like must learn to respond to virgin emotions for truth in liking and compassion. It should be respected and given the right impetus to take the desired shape that eventually emancipates humanity in human beings and this is what the human world strives for. The love factor demands acceptance. The love factor is the positive energy expression in growing lives. The love factor is an essential element that seeks to bind, help and stimulate rich humane worthiness in this ever-strangled society full of strife and struggles.

The Girlfriend/Boyfriend Debate is the most favourite pastime debate for most in the adult world. Adults, parents to be precise, in the Indian context, consider friendship with the opposite sex a leaning towards sexual activities prior to the Indian social norm of marriage. Whether a boy or a girl, the parental concerns are the same. Today the concerns have further risen because of the onset of the HIV. A general feeling that envelops the parental mind is that any one who engages in sexual exploits with his son/daughter is promiscuous by nature. Hence, the so-called character of the person is unreliable, thereby rendering the person unfit as a friend of the son/daughter.

Sexual behaviour determining character and being a yardstick is always used to gauge the morality of the other person involved in the encounter and not one’s own child. The question is why do we jump to such extreme views and reach such weird conclusions?

The acquisition of the sense of sexuality, no doubt triggers off a sort of a feeling that goes into the formation of sexual habits and sexual encounters. Is it not a fact that the right pre-teen environment determines the teenage behaviour? Particularly, with regard to sex and sexuality of any child we need not cry over spilt milk. For those who couldn’t give the required environment during the pre-teens, the teenage of the child does become a matter of concern.

The simple and ideal resolution to this conflict is to sit down and equip the teenager with the pros and cons of sexuality and sexual behaviour. If you can go a step further, also convey how to practice safe sex. Stunned are you? Yes! Because the need to know the practice of safe sex is a proof that you may fail in educating your child to keep away from pre-marital sex. But is it not wise to let the teenager know how to be safe enough in the worst of emotional downfalls or resignations to physical temptations?

The terminologies – emotional downfall and physical temptations are not always right; but this mention is purely in the traditional orthodox ridden mindset. The reader of a broader mindset may overlook such interpretations of sexual behaviour.

Therefore adequate interactions with the teenager and a proper stepwise exposure towards natural sexuality shall work in empowering the teenager against any encounter that he/she indulges or defeats. As a parent, our concerns should not always be regulated according to our times but they should evolve change and accommodate the changing future. Recent surveys across various strata of the Indian social fabric reveal that both boys and girls, a good section of them, find nothing wrong in pre-marital sexual behaviour and look at it as a simple method of terminating a physical urge.

So, it is time that we realize the basic change in the social context where individual and societal values are undergoing a massive churning and giving a right of existence to individuals and individualities in all forms and manners. The debate here is not to either support or oppose the issue of teenage or premarital sexual encounters or otherwise. The whole concern is to get one to understand the reason behind such behaviour, the need if any, if at all; the taboo, if any, if at all; and all in the context of a social norm or an individual decision.

The predominant concern in the Indian context rests on the erosion of values. Dissecting the matter, if we delve into the inners of the value system, we shall realize, to our horror, that character building or the lack of it is largely governed by the sexual behaviour of the person, which is dumped upon an individual in the name of a civilized society. Sexuality is a natural human urge and a normal human tendency.

All forms of sexual misadventures, so to say, are an outcome of the limitations of the civilized society. This social set-up hinders the normal sexual urge till marriage, which is fixed in the Indian context as 18 and 21 years for girls and boys respectively, whereas nature endows them with such desires much earlier. Clashes are obvious when we seek to  alter the parameters of nature. Nevertheless, should we desire to instil the value system where character is measured along the scale of sexual behaviour, we should convince individuals and get their endorsement as well.

Let me tell you with conviction that bounds my own individual feelings and the same conviction that binds each one of you, the readers, this conviction tells me to understand that most of our problems related to a teenage child erupt from our constraints of understanding the growing gender feeling in the child and the consequent changes that affect thought, action and above all the emotions. The paradox in this entire scenario is that all adults have undergone the same stress and the same pain at our own teenage and yet we fail to recognise its demoralizing impact on our teenage children.

The Telephone Syndrome is a major cause of concern for all parents. The regular busy telephone that they have to encounter once their teenage offspring is at home rings more bells than required. The very common reaction is an outburst chiding the child and giving a bundle of lectures on living like an adult or behaving like a grown up. This is much for the middle class parent for whom the telephone bill dents the economy of his monthly plans. Others, where wealth primarily regulates the lifestyle, initially do not care for the time spent over the telephone and later generally have the access totally barred. Probably, they do not understand the importance and the use of rationing.

Both parent types display callousness towards the concerns of the child and also present by their behaviour, a disregard of a simple habit in the child. An effective method to tackle this ‘common teenage cold’ is to understand the time and purpose of the calls made and rationalize the need and usage of such phone calls. Whether the regular hovering over the phone is justified or not, as per your (parent’s) point of view, you must share the logic behind your point of view and listen to that of the child.

It is unimaginable to believe that such mature dialogue in handling a habit that is in the formation shall fail to cast an impact. It is certain that the teenage shall make an effort to justify his/her stand and should they not be able to rationalize it, which they would not be able to anyway, they would definitely look into ways and means of curbing the habit. Besides, for those whom the bills matter, should share the sight of the bill with their teenage child and explain the difficulties that arise because of such unwarranted expenditure

Money Matters for a teenager really matters. As a teenager, one of the foremost demands that crop up is the need of pocket money. If we probe the matter, we shall note that there is no real need of it if all requisites of the teenager are being met as per their relevance. Say this to a teenager and there would be hundreds of reasons why the teenage allowance is a must. There could be arguments for and against, but reasonable logic indicates that the first stage for money handling is learnt by managing pocket money.

A general tendency that opposes pocket money interprets their presence merely a financial readiness to throw airs and replenish non essential and non required habits. The gust for teenage sexuality aims at projecting money power as a strong tool of self–prowess and pocket money provides this basis.

Let us understand that the planning of the use of teenage allowance makes the entire difference in the use or misuse of it. Methodical money management and attempts towards self regulation can be acquired only by using pocket money. This stage also teaches the value and the worth of money power and the need to be able to earn it. Proper ethics shall help in thinking of legitimate means of acquisition of monetary wealth by way of effective measures to earn it in the correct and honest manner.

It is always wise to help children plan their small needs and go ahead obtaining them using their pocket money. It is important for the caring parent to help teenagers understand the need and method of planning and thus learn money management in small measures. Once the expenses and the need of such expenses are established, it is quite justified to ensure a reasonable teenage allowance for the child and keep enhancements in the pipeline as maybe justified. Remember, a reasonable expense monitor, a squanderer or a miser are largely formed at the primary stages of money handling.

Be prepared to experience a wrong decision and money loss when the teenage money manager is on his path, learning the tricks of his accounts. Easier said than done! But nothing comes without a price. It is better to err while in the custody of safety and security than to do so when the stakes are high. It is a fact that a child who has been exposed to money management will always be an asset to the family set up and in this bargain the odds are always in your favour.

Date with Pocket Money is the preliminary preparation of the child in to effective money management. The issue is when to begin this experience for the child. In my opinion when a child reaches the age group of 6 – 8 years the date with pocket money should find a place in his experiences. But before this, the child should be educated to understand the relevance, meaning and usage of pocket money at that age. One more lesson to be learnt prior to the feel of allowance should be the idea of budgeting even very small issues and it is the responsibility and duty of the parent to help the child understand this method of budgeting and also make the child aware of it in no unclear terms. Once a child is made to plan out the small items of his budget, it is always advisable to give money into the child’s hands and ask the child to spend it as per the plan. So, if the pocket allowance begins at the age group of 6-8, by the time a child grows up into a teenager, he/she will have acquired enough experience of making the right kind of expenditure plans and indulge in to a meaningful spending.

Penalties on Allowances are not the right treatments meted out to youngsters. Sometimes parents punish a child by making the child spend his/her allowance on things that do not fall within his/her purview. For example, repairing a bicycle after an accident or purchasing a lost textbook and things of similar nature. It is very unfair of parents because they are penalizing the child for something that may not be his/her fault. However, children must be made to share a part of their pocket allowance, however small, in making good the losses to make them realize the financial implication of their inadvertent or careless attitude. This is applicable for all ages, including the teenagers.

Amount of Pocket Money can be decided according to the need of the child and the economic status of the parent. Any pocket allowance is a part of the normal budgeting of the parents and it should be decided with the average child in mind and the necessary expenses there off. There is no point fixing this amount because it shall vary from parent to parent depending upon their financial liquidity.

All That We Can Do

On their advancement towards complete adulthood, teenagers are destined to traverse the zigzag path that crosses the enticement of intoxication such as alcohol, drugs and smoking. They are also certain to encounter sexual aberrations along with normal sexual urges.

Certainly trying their hands at all such things would be a natural instinct. We cannot prohibit any teenager from any of the above encounters. However, we can educate them with reason and control. Adequate knowledge helps warding off the unwarranted and provides the power to resist temptations that eventually emulate decay and destructions. Besides, knowledge also helps in forming the right kind of reactions and habits to natural human phenomenon such as sexuality. The exposure to varied experiences of life and growing up can be an experience in maturing to a sensible sensitive and purposeful adult. Not given the right guidance, the experience could be the beginning of an end.

The Need for Patience

Extracting obedience and submissiveness is the general adult nature towards teenagers. Some acquire it by feigning moral superiority and others by exhibiting the element of scare. Both these exhibitions are symbols of annoyance and disregard of individuality. These behaviour types lead the teenager away and demarcate the distance between him and the adult.

Once into existence, the distance widens and values in the adult continue to erode while for the teenager they never take shape. The answer to this perplexity is rationalization of the teenage mindset, teenage behaviour and the teenager’s natural and emotional outpourings. Having rationalized all it is very important to react with care. This sense of care should involve respect for the teenager’s independence of thought and feelings. Without doubt the key to controlled reactions, methodical thought process, space to individuals and emergence of acceptability are all an outcome of patience.

Similarities and Differences

Common to all minds is the drawing up of parallels in areas that are similar and contrasts in those that are different. The teenage mind is very susceptible to such factors and responds to them in its own inimitable innocent style that makes the response unique.

Social status and life style variations are very pertinent to causing similarities or differences for anyone. Equipping the teenager with the knowledge of the social strata helps him/her balance the aspirations and make way for genuine progressive desire without being envious of those at higher levels of prosperity norm scorning others who are the deprived lot.

The modern world is fast evolving into a structure where status free zones of educational environments are being nurtured to help keep the teenage mind away from the rigors of feeling deprived or away from the snobbishness of being excessively affluent. It is always advisable to help children acquire the right mental dimensions of their present status and the need to work and live in a manner that helps them elevate their social rankings.

Social Existence

Individuality and realization of individual potential and existence has a very strong projection with the onset of teenage specially when coupled with puberty. Many a times teenage erratic behaviour is conjoined with hormonal changes.

Seldom do the analysts realize the impact of these changes on the emotional canvas. A reaction is triggered off setting into pace the constant realization of the individual within the self and the individuality that determines a thought process and methods of looking at various things with own perceptions.

The emotional jaggery is not always sweet but often split into various questions that seek to understand the meaning of the self. Who, what, why and other interrogative admonitions come to strike the self honour and the teenage experience struggles to answer and justify. In this whirlpool of the self, its growth and the onset of puberty along with coping up with physical changes the teenager is sucked deep inside. The young being becomes a victim of the ever moralizing social fabric. Seldom does the society acknowledge the plethora of traumatic inundations that seek to drown the teenage soul and the amount of effort that the teenager puts into surviving beyond them. Social existence for the teenager becomes a constant struggle where all demand and no one cares or understands.

The Support System

Very often we feel that a colleague who has similar experiences or who is passing a similar phase can be of comfort. Unfortunately in this situation the compatriots are teenagers themselves, who are all lost in the same turmoil. Therefore, less informed and ill equipped the help that can be rendered, could always be ineffective or counterproductive.

Hence, the adult community that has passed through the phase can render quality emotional cushions and methodical processes to accept and adhere to the physical demands. Worthy advice that rests on actual emotional bonding always works wonders than authoritative commands to be followed. The role of parents, teachers and all adults should circle around the basic requirement of the teenager, i.e. to acknowledge his/her individuality and accord it the respect of existence for meaningful purposes and genuine directions towards achievements.

Here communication plays a very important role and it helps alleviate the distance between the adult and the teenager. It is incumbent upon the adult to drive home the point that he is the philosopher, guide and the friend who is singularly poised to help for no personal advantage.

The Importance of Communication

No issue is a non-issue; no matter is of trivial concern. Interactions never become meaningless because communication always exuberates openness and emancipates standards of relationships.

A live channel of communication is the road to mutual faith and growing trust. It ensures that the child is of the firm opinion that you, the parent, are always with him for advice and assistance. This bonding enables the fruition of a tie that converges into common ways of thinking and reasoning. If the tie is not completely common, it is at least common enough to appreciate and make an effort to understand the views expressed by both parties i.e.–the teenager and the adult.

The two certainly need to know each other enough to be able to forge the right relationship that shall bridge the gap.  

The emergence of a compatriot in the adult makes the teenager exercise logical reasoning to find the purpose or lack of it in his/her actions.  Ready channels of communication make great strides in providing a forum where the teenage mind exercises expression and thus provides an insight into its intricate thought process. The insight is worthwhile in evaluating and understanding the teenage mindset. Thus it provides immense guidance in moving in the desired direction.

Interaction and the Third Person

The onset of teenage is the march towards proclaiming one’s own individuality and the individual’s authority to exercise the individuality.

Be it today or many years back in the past, the evils of teenage life and living have remained unchanged. Individual sexual behaviour, sexual encounters with the opposite sex, company of toxicants such as drinks and smoking or addiction to drugs, nothing has changed since ages past and shall thus remain for the ages to come.

It is very likely that a parent may be in a situation where his/her child has given in to one or all of these alleged vices. While some are harmful, such as drugs and drinks, others such as sexual behaviour or sexual encounters are normal part of growing up. The fundamental principle that can govern the relationship at such a crossroad is that of the friend.

One very important factor always to be kept in sight is that none should ever make a third party get involved to interpret the feelings or thoughts of the parents to the child or vice versa. Keep watch that self-dignity of the child is at its pinnacle and such interventions of a third person will only work to hurt the self pride. So, the best communication is the one to one communication.

The time is not for Hitler’s and Mussolini’s in the family. The time is for Lincoln’s and Gandhi’s, who accept what is existent but never let go the fact that they too exist. Their existence is an existence with a purpose in which the good of the adversary (child) is inherent as well.

While the firm but caring friend in the parent looks forward to being the philosopher and guide as well of the whirlwind that swirls the soul of the teens, the communication channels work towards harmonising the extremes of teenage emotion and accepting the patronage of an understanding parent. Reversibly, the distance between the two increases and any third party approach only leads to the consumption of the fact that self-esteem of the teenager is being compromised for the self-respect of the parent.

The teenage mind combines this phenomenon to understand his/her helplessness from the fact that they are dependent financially on their parents. Instead of taking pride in the parents’ care, their synergies convert into analysing their own incapabilities that render them dependent. It’s pertinent for parents to acknowledge that emotional and physical growth, need to be tended with care to ensure a tandem between the parent and the offspring.

The Choice of Outings

Effective communication will enable the teenager to talk freely and truly about his desires or preferences. Generally outings become the bone of contention between the parent and the teenager. The discord is not because of the costs involved but largely because of the companionship and the acts that may follow.

Be it a girl or a boy, if you have educated your child to abstain from any sexual accident, ensure that they do not go about with known or unknown male or female in isolation. With the growing rate of assault upon the feminine gender it becomes very important that girls be made aware of this fact. In a recent study it was found that approximately 70% of the rapists are well known acquaintances or relatives, neighbours and acquaintances rank second and strangers, the last.

Let us accept our earlier arguments of growing incidences of pre-marital sexual activities and try to balance the individual moral with the general trend. It should be enshrined in the minds of the teenagers that if they have to meet some one of the other gender singly, it should be in the presence of parents or other companions of either side. This concept properly driven home shall make the children understand the importance of choosing the right companionship.

Teenagers should also be exposed to the kinds of teenage time pass of frivolous gossip and informed of their traumatic effects on the mental frame. Such empowerment will keep the teenager wary of such people and such gossip. Once this is taken care of, a major portion of the parents’ worry about outings and companionship during outings shall be curbed.

We should realize that majority of the ill timed and ill presented information that excite the teenage mind emerge because parents or the adults do not convey the right knowledge in the right manner at the right time. For example, many young girls experience the first menstrual cycle as a shock in their lives. The reason is simple –the parents never convey to the girl child the approaching physical change of which they are well aware.

Besides, they also do not exhibit right mannerisms for the right kind of mental picture.  For example, the onset of puberty cycles and puberty symptoms in teenagers seem to startle the parents. Suddenly, they start treating the child in a peculiar manner which neither they nor the child understands. Therefore it is extremely important to ensure that the right kind of ability to differentiate between the desired and the undesirable should be instilled in the teenager through adequate education on all subjects.

Enough interactions to facilitate the understanding of the consequences of all choices of action and behaviour should be brought to the notice of the teenager’s mind.

Vigil, nevertheless, should be maintained to check in case the human tendency to err takes control, but this vigil should not be spying around. Regular monitoring of common individual behaviour, general reactions, usual expressions and mental preoccupations will provide sufficient clues to understand aberrations in moral standards if any.

Again, we ought to continue to remember that values are changing and we should be prepared to honour the individual who has accepted and adapted the changed value order.

Ability to be Decisive

Decisiveness is a specific trait of the character. It is an expression of action or desire. It is also determination and toughness expressed by will power that leads to certainty of resolution. Decisiveness is a positive trait when it emerges from a rational and positive state of mind. However a disoriented confused and illogical mental frame shall lead to the evil form of decisiveness that promotes negative thoughts and actions.

In the teenagers, we seldom find a decisive nature. The teenage mindset sways with the affect of different reasonings and varied personality cult impacts. The ability to be decisive has to be embedded in the teenage thought process over a period through sustained effort leading to conclusiveness of purpose.

A very important factor is the task to equip the teenage mind with the knowledge of do’s and don’ts with the pros and cons of each. Enriched with such logic, the teenage mind would refer each to each and emerge with the reason that is required and be strong enough to stand and abide by it.

One must understand the need and importance of decisiveness. It is a humungous task to ensure positive decisive character in any individual, the teenager being the most difficult variant. Knowledge of the rights and the wrongs in context of one’s own life and living conditions along with the probable future is a difficult but very pertinent task. Examples and reasons make the teenage mind acquire effective tenacity to exercise the decisive nature trait and we ought to augment it as far as possible.

Ability to Distinguish

Decisiveness germinates from good insight to distinguish or look separately between two or among many things and keep at bay indoctrination of alien fusion that prohibits independent reasoning.

Distinction between the required and the not required; the needed and the not needed; and between the to be kept and the to be discarded lots; can be made if the mental defence of the individual reasoning ability is at a complete remove from biases or prejudices of any form.

The ability to distinguish can be sharpened with requisite reasoning that can be had from affective knowledge of various aspects that fall within the categories that need to be distinguished. Deprivation of such knowledge is coercion of effective distinction ability. Guided and planned exposure to various aspects of everyday encounters in the usual world makes one capable of identifying all that is required from those that are not.

It is the need of the teenager that he/she be guided to understand the right proportion of the potions in life and their time of requirement. For this it may be desirable that the teenager be allowed to err under the guidance of their alert adult. Human beings are those rare creatures who need not reinvent the wheel but fly away knowing that the wheel was invented once.

Nevertheless, experiences in human judgement and responses to the mental and emotional faculties are very individual, very intimate and very intricate for anyone else to learn from. Hence it is absolutely necessary that such bouts of exposures be granted to the teenage growth plan and help the teenager acquire able buffers and meaningful tools to identify the differences and isolate difficulties to push further in life with success.

Household Responsibility

Initiation into factors that govern everyday life and living, that is, the household and its demands is very important. The let loose teenager–as most of them often are–finds himself/herself trapped when required to fetch for any of his individual needs. This happens because there is lack of knowledge of what a household set up demands of any person.

Rudimentary habits like setting up one’s own area should be ensured in every teenager. Making up one’s bed, setting the bookshelves, cleaning the washroom, polishing shoes, removing plates from the dining table, switching off lights and fans, keeping water for the night and scores of similar miniature but important requirements that relate just to the self should be made a part and parcel of the compulsory teenage home behaviour.

All such behaviour cannot be forwarded together and suddenly. However, all these behaviour types have to be accommodated into the teenager’s lifestyle step by step. The teenager should be given the time and opportunity to realize the need and accept the purpose behind such important behaviour pattern in the household setup.  The beginning of the later half of the teenage should find the teenager involved in kitchen chores, learning the basics of cooking and serving.

Methodical, systematic, neat and presentable procedures learnt at this age continue to adorn the personal habits of the individual all along his/her life. Complimentary to the household chores is the important factor of self hygiene, primarily, body hygiene. With the onset of puberty, hygiene habits through carefully monitored practices should become a part of the teenager’s everyday living. A successful blend of the knowledge of various home and hygiene related habits and practices lead to the formation of a dignified personality and dignified lifestyle.

More often than not we talk, opine or accept the importance of change and the need of its acceptance. How often do we indeed accept it whole heartedly? Somewhere in the logic of freedom for all and individuality for everybody, we hit a stumbling block and start analysing everything from what we are, where we are and how we are. We seldom venture to ask ourselves the question why we are what we are. Unless we have found the way to challenge ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, our perceptions and ourselves, we shall never be able to allow the evolution of value system in a smooth manner. Nevertheless, the old order changeth yielding place to new.

Some Warnings To Remember

Parents of teenagers generally try to set the house in order by enacting various regulations of civil living.

Whenever you set up a rule ensure that it is not just according to your wishful thinking. It should accommodate the teenager’s perspective in the right proportion. So when you make a rule ensure its usefulness. If you give out a rule to a teenager, stick to it yourself.

Warn your children of the dangers of drugs, drinks, and rashness in driving and uncontrolled sexuality. Quench  The isolation of the teenager is a dangerous situation because it engulfs the complete personality. Dejection or despair is not momentary but a prolonged state of mind, which eventually takes a heavy toll on confidence, ambition, tenacity or resilience and the personality as well.

Life becomes an inescapable burden of traumatic experiences. All good seem to stand defeated and the evil appears to rule the roost. Pleasure denies its role in the teenager’s life and nothing that the teenager executes goes the desired way.

The dejection and despair can be observed in a variety of phenomenon amongst the teenagers.

Despondency is one such sign where the depressed teenager gets convinced of failure in all that he/she attempts. They perceive any act or reprimand as ‘an expression of their uselessness and unworthiness’.

Rashness is an exhibition of the despairing teenager where the child is drawn towards reckless response or behaviour to anything that gets across him/her because they do not have any authority over their behaviour pattern as they have lost logical rationale in conducting themselves.

Solitude is a loud expression of despair as it is a cleat indication of removal from the social net that usually surrounds the teenage life. Since confidence gets eroded, the teenager lacks in the belief that he/she would be able to cope up with the demand of the peer group or the community and therefore is unable to mingle with that social set up. The yoke of the incapable self weighs upon his/her being. Withdrawal from social gatherings or peer group adventures becomes a habit and the feeling of nothingness weighs high.

Psychosomatic Disorders of less intense nature like headaches, stomachaches, swooning, vomiting, excessive sweating and the like get increasingly visible in the despairing teenager. Such illnesses cause them to remain in seclusion thus exempting them from peer group activities or social involvement.

Rejection of the self is a very common sign of a dejected teenager. A belief sets into the teenager that his/her personality is not wanted or worthwhile for anything. At the same time comparisons begin with others who are liked and appreciated. Finally this leads to the desire of rejecting the self for the acquisition of some one else’s personality, which is an impossibility hence, a cause for further despair.

The Medication:

The first effort should be encouragement to enhance confidence. The next is to help organize small attainable targets. Thereafter to work upon a system that helps achieve the small targets. Fourthly, to provide adequate moral support and reassurance of success in case of failures. Next to withhold any comparisons with peers. Sixthly, help in judgment formation and standby the teenager to abide by the judgment made and finally to relocate the teenager’s environment and reorganize the mental framework by providing occasions of deviations from regular mundane struggle of living and grant exposure in diversions like picnicking, etc. very small targets that appear easy and are achievable should be set to reinstate the self confidence of the teenager. Small measures of success make a world of difference in enhancing the sagging confidence. These thoughtful measures would work to ensure that the human being in the teenager does not succumb to lack of human concern.

 

Schizophrenia

Many deadly diseases have their symptoms in childhood. Usual to our normal tendencies we dismiss dismal signals in the wake of our ever non-acceptance of something unusual happening to us or our own. The withdrawal of children and the crouching into a shell phenomenon is very common, but rarely it is very intense and long drawn. Most of us decline the acknowledgement the intensity and thereby ignite the onset of a long drawn problem. Extended over a long period of time minor symptoms consolidate into strong affects of the disease that could have been nipped in the bud but for our own diligence of being the know all and rejecting the sight of that what we did see.

Schizophrenic children are not under any immediate threat hence they are not taken care of well. The disease by itself has a long gestation period and shows its true colours over an extended period of time. The initial symptoms seem to be mere alterations in the huge set of child behaviour. It is here that the blunder occurs.

The unusual withdrawal or seclusion may well be the onset of schizophrenia. Similarly the sudden surge of engaging into the relationships with the self and silence could be a matter of deep concern for it may lead to extremes of schizophrenia in the days that follow.

For those who interact with these youngsters or teenagers it is pertinent that they take note of the behaviour pattern and do not ignore any non-usual or sudden changes. Some of the features that can help identify the onset of schizophrenia are

1. Hallucinations are a state of mind where one concocts the presence of an object that usually does not exist where it is being perceived. It is an impression in the abstract where the stimulus of the percept does not exist. This could be a result of neurotic disorder or an outcome of drug intake.

 

2. Eccentricity is a state of mind where rigidity towards an unusual stream of thought or belief is enforced upon oneself or others. It is generally away from common modes of acceptability or practice. It is something that emerges from an individual’s whim or fancy of thought or behaviour.  

 

3. Loud and Incoherent thoughts are expressed in forms of unusual behaviour or unusual response. These are also reflected in individual assimilation of ideas and the lack of an effective resolution to form the right picture or opinion. When we refer to loud we wish to convey that it is evident to the onlookers or the companions.

 

4. Confusion of ideas is the next form of the previous discussion of loud and incoherent thoughts. It will be noticed that in the state of confusion often the struggle between various streams of thoughts seem unending. This results in inactivity and the ‘Hamlet’ state of “to be or not to be.”

 

5. Unpredictable Dispositions mark a very special aspect of the onset of schizophrenia. It is difficult to understand the unusual state of mind whether retiring, pensive or aggressive. Any unusual disposition sustained over a period of time may have harmful impact on the usual behaviour pattern.

 

6. Fear and Anxiety are outcome of the various points discussed above. The cause of both fear and anxiety lies in dwindling self-belief and confidence.

 

7. Failure in relationships is the usual outcome of unusual thought and behaviour.

 

8. Delusions are non-existent matters that acquire a state of reality for the deluded mind. Thus the unreal seems to exist and impacts the thought process accordingly. The impact is generally negative because the non-existent make belief is never a rosy impression but always a dark design that impresses the mind with fear or formidability because of fear.
9. Lack of personal care is a natural outcome of an unstable state of mind and presents erosion of self-belief and faith in self-effort. The unworthiness of the  self acquires the total space of thinking there by ushering a neglect of the self-reflected in depleting personal care.
10. Disregard of the self is the composite outcome of all the things discussed.

 

Traumatic turbulent teenage has trudges trots but always emerges triumphant in the end. The scars that may reflect the pain of the journey can be reduced or enhanced by the elders-teachers, parents and other adult relative.

Through all the pages that you have gone through in this David attempt may have the potential to beat the Goliaths of misinformation, misguidance, misinterpretation and misrepresentation of facts for the tender teenaged mind. I am certain that your careful understanding would enhance the quality of parenthood that can be provided to a teenager – for that matter any kind of adult guided guidance can be given a right fillip to provide a proper direction.

 

Puberty and Adolescence

Growing Pains 

When people talk about puberty, teenagers and adolescence, the things that come to mind are: raging hormones, cracking voices, budding breasts, menstruation, cranky, rebellious teenagers, sprouting hair, acne, wearing bras for the first time, and razor knicks on fresh-faced youth.

The onset of puberty is the most obvious sign of ‘growing up’ physically.

To put it more formally, puberty can be defined as “a biological or physiological process characterized by the maturation of the sexual organs and the appearance of secondary sexual characteristics.” People often think that puberty and adolescence refer to the same thing. However, they refer to two different aspects of growing up. While puberty covers the physical, adolescence deals with the mental and has been described as a “psychosocial process characterized by mental and social growth, and often extending from puberty to the early 20s and sometimes beyond.”  

A question of hormones 

When does this transformation begin? For girls it can happen any time between the ages of 8 and 12, while for boys it usually begins a couple of years later than girls. But there is no such thing as the right time. So there’s no point wondering why she has breasts and you don’t or why he’s got a mustache and you don’t. 

So what exactly happens? It’s as if a switch clicks on in the brain and activates a section of the brain called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus, in turn, triggers the pituitary gland to produce two hormones – follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). The pituitary gland also releases a growth hormone called somatotropin. 

FSH and LH are released cyclically in females and play a key role in the menstrual cycle. They stimulate the ovaries to secrete estrogen and progesterone and are responsible for the growth of the egg in the ovary. 

In the case of males, these hormones target the testes, which are responsible for the production of sperm and testosterone. The hypothalamus and pituitary gland monitor the level of testosterone in the blood and produce more or less releasing factors to raise and lower the testosterone levels as required.   

First bras and new razors 

While all this is happening on the inside, what’s going on on the outside? As a result of all this hormonal activity, girls’ breasts get bigger and it’s time to buy their first bras; they become more hairy, especially in the pubic area and they begin to menstruate. Boys, on the other hand, suddenly shoot up in height, downy fuzz appears on their chins and upper lips attempting to pass off as a beard and mustache; their voices crack at the most crucial and embarrassing moments; and finally, their penises and testes grow.    

Emotional roller coaster 

Most adolescents are uncomfortable and self-conscious about their growing breasts and suddenly awkward limbs. They feel that people are looking at them differently. Every pimple seems magnified a hundred times and girls hunch over trying to conceal their growing bust lines.  To make matters worse, most parents are at a loss when faced with their children’s budding sexuality. They cannot accept the fact that their ‘babies’ are talking and thinking about sex. As a result, adolescents are ecstatic one minute, irritable and moody the next. On one hand, they display a newfound maturity in keeping with their ‘adult’ status. On the other, they throw tantrums that could rival a three-year-old.

Puberty and adolescence bring with them a lot of emotional baggage. People in their adolescent years feel like they are in a twilight zone, hanging somewhere in the middle of childhood and adulthood. It’s as if they’re sitting on an emotional seesaw, feeling ‘up’ one minute, down the next; feeling old on some days, and like a child on others. It is a difficult time, but it makes one feel better to think that everyone goes through it. 

 

Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS)

Are you one of those women for whom having a period is almost torture? There you are getting on quite blissfully with the business of living… and then the big M – menstruation, blights you. And this happens on a regular basis. You rail against the laws of nature that have gifted the ‘curse’ of menses to women. Your head aches, your stomach cramps, your tummy feels bloated, you feel like crying for no apparent reason, and you bite everyone’s head off at the slightest provocation. Most of all, you hate it when people shrug and patronizingly mouth, “PMS!”

This syndrome was first recognized and given a name – premenstrual syndrome or PMS in 1931. There was official recognition of symptoms that have plagued women for centuries. Feminists were ambivalent about the acceptance by doctors that PMS was a problem that they needed to take cognizance of. They felt that this would just give men another opportunity to point a finger at the “weaker sex” and their physical and mental inability to cope.

The onset of menstruation signifies that a girl has stepped across a biological threshold into puberty. For some women, menstruation is merely an inconvenience. Others really dread “that time of month.” The latter are usually women who are plagued by premenstrual syndrome (PMS). For these women it is not the five days of actual menstruation that bothers them so much as the symptoms of PMS that manifest themselves any time from two to ten days before menstruation begins. 

As its name signifies, the symptoms of PMS begin after ovulation, peak just before menstruation begins, and then vanish at the start of menstruation. The symptoms can be both physiological and psychological. There are a large number of symptoms of which the most common are: tender breasts, bloated abdomen, appetite changes and cravings, pimples, headaches, stomach upset and swollen hands and feet. Women afflicted with this problem also display mood swings, depression, fatigue, irritability, lack of concentration, oversensitivity, crying jags, and social withdrawal.

Tips for relieving the symptoms of PMS 

• Try to avoid stressful situations and get some rest.
• Mild exercise like walking can help relieve PMS.
• Control the intake of alcohol and caffeine contained in tea, coffee, soft drinks, etc.
• Reduce salt intake. Salt absorbs water and increases water retention. 
• Vitamin B6 also helps in reducing premenstrual tension and water retention.
• Eat less at every meal, but more often. This will minimize the fluctuations in blood sugar. It may also help to eat more green leafy vegetables, whole grains and cereals, fish and poultry.

 

Sometimes the symptoms of PMS are so severe that they require medical treatment. Psychologists describe this as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PDD). In cases of PDD, the depression and mood swings of the woman are so severe that they disrupt her normal functioning. In such situations, the woman might have to be treated medically. Doctors may recommend painkillers, diuretics for fluid retention, and anti-depressants in extreme cases. 1.5 gms of Evening Primrose Oil taken twice daily has been found to alleviate painful and tender breasts. Both the physical and mental emotional symptoms of PMS have a biochemical basis that can be linked to the level of certain hormones in the blood. Hence, some doctors may even prescribe birth control pills to alleviate menstrual cramps and pre-menstrual tension on occasion. The ingredients of the pill probably even out any hormonal imbalance.

Bridging the Generation Gap

My child thinks I’m her enemy 

Parents, when their offspring enter the dreaded teen years, look back nostalgically on the days when their children hadn’t learned to speak yet, were cute and adoring, and hung on to every word that their parents said.  One day, puberty happens and the sweet angels of yesterday begin to act like their parents are their worst enemies. 

Kamini Sundaram says, “I don’t know what’s come over my daughter, Padma. She’s always arguing with me about the silliest things. A single day doesn’t go by without her screaming at me and storming out of the room. I don’t know how to deal with her. In my day, I was not allowed to raise my voice to my parents.”

Jacob Abraham is as confused about his son, Vivek. He says, “I’ve always wanted to give my son the best of things, but his demands never seem to end. He’s constantly asking me for money to go out to pubs and discos and to buy the ‘latest’ clothes. If I say no, he makes me feel like a tyrant and says that none of the other parents object.”

 

Being ‘grown up’ isn’t all fun and games 

Teenagers are a mass of confusion as they sit on the fence between their childhood and adulthood. Growing up can be quite scary. While being ‘grown up’ has many attractions, the responsibilities that go with it often come as a nasty surprise. For instance, teenagers want to stay out till all hours of the night, but when it comes to waking up in the morning in time for classes, it’s a different story. Parents must make them understand that if they want to party hard, they must also work hard. 

 

My child is ashamed of me 

Parents may feel a little like discarded old shoes, as friends become all-important to their children. It’s not unusual for teenagers to go through a phase when they feel ashamed of their parents, afraid that their might not live up to their friends’ standards. This can be very hurtful for parents, but they shouldn’t take it personally. Just be cordial to your children’s friends and maintain a distance. However, do not brook any discourteous behaviour for your children. 

 

I want my freedom 

Teenagers are always talking about their freedom, usually in context of how their parents are obstacles. The minute you give children a curfew, or object to their clothes or hair, or do not allow them to go away for the weekend, you become the evil dictator who will never understand. Suddenly, ‘generation gap’ becomes a buzzword. It’s as if one day you and your child find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence and there’s no meeting ground. Each one feels that the other is speaking a foreign language.                      

Age is more than a number 

However, parents don’t realize that if they were to throw in the towel and let their teenagers run wild without any supervision, it would be a truly frightening experience for their children. Teenagers may not know it or admit it, but they need their parents to guide them about what’s right and what’s wrong. This is one area where age does matter and no matter how things change, parents should go with their instincts when it comes to deciding that some things are just not done.  

Communication is the key 

This is the time when teenagers try to become individuals in their own right and try to move out from under the protective wing of their parents. They will try out many things in order to be ‘in’ with the crowd whether it’s smoking, drinking, wearing skimpy clothes or even losing their virginity. This is not the time to play the great dictator and alienate your children. Talk to them, but don’t talk down to them. 

The way to do it, is not by making yourself out to be the enemy and coming down on them heavily for every transgression (and there will be many). Try to lay down the ground rules right in the beginning. It is difficult for anyone to interpret the teenage mind, but try to convey the fact that you’re on their side. Parents tend to forget that they were teenagers too once and their self-righteousness doesn’t win them any points with their children. 

Most parents tend to forget that babies do grow up someday and when the time comes, they must let them go and find  their own way in the world. You can’t protect your children forever and they won’t thank you if you try to. 

 

My Teenage Daughter 

Parenting a smaller child involves a lot of running around, sleepless nights, worries about studies and so on, but parenting teens often means a lot of heartache for many parents.

Here are some of the common complaints, and solutions for each situation. 

She is always on the telephone 
Many parents hate the fact that their daughter spends so much time on the telephone. Not only does thus run up the phone bill, but she also neglects her studies or other things that should be a higher priority. Instead of shouting at your daughter for constantly being on the phone, make it a condition that she should first finish off her homework, her project, or a few hours of studies before calling up her friends. Also, show her the phone bill if it is excessive, and instead of yelling at her, let her know that it is too high, and if she wants to speak for this long, she should get her friends to call her back.

Her friends mean the world to her 
Your daughter may be closer to her friends than she is to anyone else. If she has siblings, this will naturally upset parents, especially if she is not spending enough time with them or with her relatives. She may also often resist going for family outings, preferring instead to spend time with her friends.
If your child is an only child, chances that her cousins will stand with her through thick and thin, are slim. Think back to your relationship with your cousins. Perhaps you are very good friends with a cousin, due to which she will always be there with you, but there are so many others who you meet only at weddings or funerals. You know they would pay a token visit if you were in the hospital, if your daughter was getting married, but how many would actually be there, holding her hand, during her time of need? Her friends, or siblings, would be there. True, if she has ten friends how, her friendship with all ten will not last, but two or three friends will stand by her through life. So let her invest in these friendships. Instead of trying to pull her away so she spends more time with you, why don’t you try to meet the parents of these friends? Invite them over for dinner, and get to know them a little better.

 

She isn’t very close to her brother/sister 
If your child has siblings and they don’t get along very well, it may pain you to see this. However, don’t force a relationship on them. You will only make the situation awkward. Instead, plan holidays together with the extended family, so everyone gets to spend time with everyone, and leave it at that. Remember, if siblings are not very close as yet, they will certainly rediscover each other when both are a little older and more settled.

She has a boyfriend 
Try and be a friend to your daughter. The first thing you need to ask yourself is this: can my daughter confide in me? If your daughter is seeing someone, can she come and speak to you about it? Remember, it is far better that she can come and speak about her troubles to you, that she acts behind your back. Also, wouldn’t you rather she take advice about her troubles with her boyfriend from you, than from her friends?
Also, once you know of the situation, you can always lay down certain boundaries. When Madhu’s 17-year-old daughter Rhea told her she had a boyfriend, Madhu, although from a very traditional background, didn’t insist that Rhea break up with him and focus on her studies. She instead told Rhea that she could meet him when other friends were around, but could not meet him alone. Also, he was welcome to come to their house when Madhu or her husband were home, but she could not go over to his place. Similarly, Madhu didn’t ever stop them from talking on the phone. Rhea would regularly let her mother know what was going on, and now, after seeing each other for more than 6 years, they are getting married. 

Eating Disorders

Am I fat? 

This is the worst fear of the new generation, specially the teenage girl. While the older generation looks at weight control from the health point of view, this is a worry that plagues the average teenager from a more cosmetic viewpoint. Senior citizens reminisce nostalgically about the good old days when women had some flesh on their bones. Grandmothers are horrified by their scrawny grandchildren who say that “thin is in.” 

First Twiggy and then Kate Moss brought in the era of the waif – a being so ethereal, that she is almost non-existent. Although, fashion does not take such an extreme standpoint any more, the average fashion model still resembles a clothes hanger. What the average teenager must be made to understand is that these women are the exception rather than the norm. Every person is born with a particular body framework and bone structure that is determined genetically. Every person must learn to be comfortable with his or her body instead of blindly following fashion trends. It is a fact that some people look better with a little flesh on them. That does not mean that you should go to the other extreme and be complacent about being overweight. You have to find your own happy medium. Worry about being fit not fat.

This modern obsession with body weight when taken to an extreme can lead to the development of eating disorders like anorexia nervosa, bulimia and compulsive over-eating.  

Anorexia: Starvation is not the answer 

Anorexia nervosa has been described as “the willful pursuit of thinness through self-starvation.” Adolescents are most often affected by this disorder. People who have this disorder are really prisoners of their mind. They have a distorted perception of their body, seeing themselves as obese while in reality they are quite thin. The fear of putting on weight gnaws at them constantly. They are obsessive about losing weight, starving themselves to the point of emaciation. Anorexics are fixated on food. While they do not eat themselves, they will prepare elaborate gourmet meals for others and collect recipes. Besides unnatural weight loss, anorexia can result in the cessation of menstruation, constipation, discolouration of skin and the growth of fine body hair. Anorexics are usually perfectionists and tend to have low self-esteem. They are often depressed because they cannot meet the high standards that they set for themselves. 

While we usually relate Anorexia nervosa or anorexia, with teens, this eating disorder is actually largely prevalent among women aged 15 to 35. The illness essentially entails starving oneself to death in order to lose weight and consequently build up self-esteem. 

The disease starts innocently enough. The victim wakes up one morning, looks at herself in the mirror, and decides she could do with getting rid of that ‘fat’. If she just loses some weight, every thing would be perfect. So she goes on a diet and starts an exercise regime. But it doesn’t stop when she’s shed those few extra kilos. She continues seeing herself as fat, ignoring the perceptions of regular body weight. When she weighs about 85% of what is considered normal for her age and height, is hyperactive and exercises a lot to continue burning calories, but still cannot get rid of the nagging certainty that she is ‘fat and ugly’, you know she has a problem. 

Anorexia is usually accompanied by hyperactivity, hypothermia, and amenorrhea. 

Bulimia: The binge-purge syndrome 

This is the phrase that describes the eating disorder known as bulimia. One of the most famous bulimics was Princess Diana. Bulimia is often the response to stress and depression. Bulimics derive comfort from food. When such people feel low or angry for some reason, food is their “pick-me-up.” They gorge themselves, preferably on high-calorie junk food. This gives them a “high” helping them to forget their troubles for a little while. Bulimics tend to be closet eaters. They gormandize secretly and then feel ashamed of their gluttony. They then induce themselves to vomit or take laxatives to purge themselves of the feeling of guilt. They have no control over their eating so they treat the effect rather than the cause by vomiting or taking laxatives. After a point bulimics can derive pleasure from the act of vomiting itself.

The pattern of binge and purge can result in ulcers, gastric and dental problems, acute disturbances in the chemical balances of the blood which could lead to heart attacks, sore throats, aching joints, and feelings of weakness, dizziness apathy and various other similar problems.   

Compulsive overeating: Food is my best friend 

This is the refrain of a compulsive over-eater. This person is a food addict. The consequence of this addiction is usually obesity. A person who overeats compulsively sees food as the panacea for loneliness, isolation, boredom, depression, feelings of inadequacy. Food is a source of comfort when this person is feeling depressed, guilty or unattractive. Like most addictions, this is a vicious cycle. The more you eat, the more unattractive, helpless and out of control you feel. This makes you eat even more. And so it goes on.  

There is a way out 

Anorexics, bulimics and compulsive overeaters should seek help. They will probably be hospitalized initially to normalize their body functions. They should visit a psychologist or a counsellor to help them deal with their feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. People who suffer from an eating disorder need to be handled gently. Their self-esteem is at a rock-bottom level. They need to feel that they are in control of their lives and to be told that they are accepted and attractive just the way they are. The counsellor will probably recommend behaviour modification therapy whereby the person is rewarded every time they reach a weight gain or weight loss target. Compulsive overeaters should try not to be alone for too long as far as possible. They should keep low calorie snacks around the house and try to distract themselves with physical activity every time they feel a craving for food.

 

Hyperactivity  

This is when anorexics exercise frantically to lose whatever little weight they are left with.   

Hypothermia  

This results when the fat cells, which are the body’s natural insulation, become non-existent and the victim starts feeling cold all the time. As a result, the body develops a light coating of fur on the body, to retain whatever little body warmth it can.   

Amenorrhea  

Amenorrhea sets in when a woman misses at least three menstrual cycles. Loss of monthly menstrual periods is typical in anorexic women while men with anorexia often become impotent. 

 

Nipping it in the Bud  

Sadly anorexia is not usually ‘nipped in the bud’, as it is not recognised until it spirals out of control. Parents of anorexics don’t realise initially what their child is going through, as a desire to lose weight by diet and exercise is normal enough. Almost every one goes through a weight-losing spree at some point in life, but with anorexics, it becomes an obsession. Their distorted perception of reality makes them see themselves as fat, even when they are rake thin. They look at themselves in the mirror and they don’t see their protruding rib cages – they see the skin on it – and identify it as fat. The fear of being seen as fat continues even when the person is near death from starvation. They won’t eat even when suffering from acute hunger pangs. Further, anorexics often wear loose, baggy clothes to hide their ‘fat’ body, so one doesn’t immediately realise how much weight the child has lost.   

Change in Attitude Towards Anorexics  

The general perception that anorexics are vain and obsessed with their looks needs to be changed, and anorexia needs to be recognised as a serious disease requiring treatment. Anorexics are usually controlled people who are perfectionists but have low self-esteem. Their body weight, shape and size is directly related to how good they feel about themselves. This may be because of troubled family situations, childhood abuse or parents telling their child that he or she should lose weight or getting teased at school because of some extra weight. If a child suffers from anorexia, family members should not let the eating disorder become a hidden, secret problem. Instead, they should talk openly and with obvious concern to the young woman about the situation as early as possible.   

Treatment  

Group therapy seems to be one of the more effective methods of treatment as women in the same situation get together to speak about their experiences and share their fears. 

If anorexia has reached the extent that the person’s life is in any danger because of starvation, she should be immediate hospitalised. It may not be easy to gain the victims’ co-operation, especially if they have been brought to treatment against their will. Building a trusting and supportive relationship is likely to be the most important part of treatment.

 

Eating Disorders
Bulimia: The binge-purge syndrome

This is the phrase that describes the eating disorder known as bulimia. One of the most famous bulimics was Princess Diana. Bulimia is often the response to stress and depression. Bulimics derive comfort from food. When such people feel low or angry for some reason, food is their “pick-me-up.” They gorge themselves, preferably on high-calorie junk food. This gives them a “high” helping them to forget their troubles for a little while. Bulimics tend to be closet eaters. They gormandize secretly and then feel ashamed of their gluttony. They then induce themselves to vomit or take laxatives to purge themselves of the feeling of guilt. They have no control over their eating so they treat the effect rather than the cause by vomiting or taking laxatives. After a point bulimics can derive pleasure from the act of vomiting itself.

The pattern of binge and purge can result in ulcers, gastric and dental problems, acute disturbances in the chemical balances of the blood which could lead to heart attacks, sore throats, aching joints, and feelings of weakness, dizziness and apathy.   

Eating Disorders
Compulsive overeating: Food is my best friend

This is the refrain of a compulsive over-eater. This person is a food addict. The consequence of this addiction is usually obesity. A person who overeats compulsively sees food as the panacea for loneliness, isolation, boredom, depression, feelings of inadequacy. Food is a source of comfort when this person is feeling depressed, guilty or unattractive. Like most addictions, this is a vicious cycle. The more you eat, the more unattractive, helpless and out of control you feel. This makes you eat even more. And so it goes on.

 

Eating Disorders
There is a Way Out 

Anorexics, bulimics and compulsive overeaters should seek help. They will probably be hospitalized initially to normalize their body functions. They should visit a psychologist or a counsellor to help them deal with their feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. People who suffer from an eating disorder need to be handled gently. Their self-esteem is at a rock-bottom level. They need to feel that they are in control of their lives and to be told that they are accepted and attractive just the way they are. The counsellor will probably recommend behaviour modification therapy whereby the person is rewarded every time they reach a weight gain or weight loss target. Compulsive overeaters should try not to be alone for too long as far as possible. They should keep low calorie snacks around the house and try to distract themselves with physical activity every time they feel a craving for food. 

Dealing with an overweight teenager 

Help your child fight the bulge. 

While some teenagers are extremely figure-conscious, others cannot care less, and few others are constantly battling with their excess weight. They start with rigorous physical exercises, but give them up very soon. What role can parents play in this battle with the bulge?   

Don’t tease your child 

The worst thing you can do is to make fun of your teen, especially in public. Don’t ever laugh at your teen or call him or her names like chubby or fatty, even if the teenager takes it sportingly. Parents should show sensitivity towards their teenager’s weight problem. If your daughter does not want to wear the swimsuit for obvious reasons, do not push the point too far.  

Be a role model 

The schedule followed by parents can set a precedent for children. A pro-active constructive lifestyle of parents can inspire a teenager to exercise regularly. For instance, if the mother is in the habit of walking after dinner, children will also be less inclined towards lazing around or constantly watching television. Therefore set a family tradition of physical exercise. Pay importance to maintaining physical fitness.   

Diet 

Don’t put your teen on a crash diet without previous consultation with your doctor. You should cut down on sweets, but let the restrictions be relaxed once in a while. Let your teenager gradually understand responsibility of a balanced diet. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Try and be as subtle about dietary restrictions as possible. For instance, substitute full cream milk with low fat milk. Don’t give too many fried munching items. It is unfair to serve rich and fatty foods for the rest of the family and then expect your teenager to skip it. Do not tempt your teenager unnecessarily.   

Encourage sports and outdoor games 

Encourage your teenager to play different types of sports. If time and resources permit, get a membership in a gymnasium club. Never let the child leave the club course incomplete. Make him or her realize the value of the gymnasium fees.

 

Teen Problems
It’s a fact of life that teenagers are likely to experiment with sex, drugs, alcohol, clothes and makeup on the fast track to adulthood. The question is what are you, as a parent going to do about it?

 

Pocket Money

Do you give your kids an allowance or ‘pocket money’?  

If not, perhaps it’s time you started. Giving a child an allowance has numerous benefits, and it inculcates a sense of responsibility in your child. 

 

How much? 

Be logical about the amount of pocket money you are giving your kids. If it is just a token and you know your kids will come running to you the minute they need to buy something exciting, and you wont hesitate to fork over the money (if, of course, you feel their demand is reasonable), you’re not doing the right thing. 

Let your children learn that they have to save up to buy something they really want. Don’t let them get into the habit of running to you every time they need more money. But in order for you to do this, you have to give them a reasonable allowance every week.  

Weekly or monthly? 

First of all, you have to decide if you want to give your child a monthly allowance or a weekly allowance. Usually weekly  allowances work better with children.   

Money Management 

Giving your children an allowance teaches them how to manage money, and this will come in handy throughout their lives. Even if your kids make a bad decision, they will learn in a safe environment, as the sum involved is fairly little. 

Your kids will learn budgeting, saving and spending. They will learn to look after their money. The advantages of giving your child an allowance are tremendous, so don’t slack off.  

When should you start giving your child an allowance? 

When your child turns six, he should be old enough to accept the responsibility. Explain that you are going to be giving him an allowance, and he has to be responsible with the money, as he is not going to get any more from you until it’s time for his next allowance. Sit with him and help him chart out a budget. 

Schoolbooks and your child’s lunch money should not be part of the allowance. But if he loses a schoolbook then he would have to use his allowance to buy it.   

Household chores 

Encourage him to start working to increase his pocket money. However, don’t pay him money for daily chores around the house like making his own bed. But if he does an additional which takes time and labour, like perhaps cleaning out YOUR cupboard, then you could give him some extra money to compensate. So you child will quickly learn that he would have to ‘earn’ a living – the world doesn’t owe him anything and he’s never going to get something for nothing. 

 

Infatuation or love?

Jaya (17) and Shashank (18) are both high school students who think they are in love. They feel the world is at their feet. The moment Jaya thinks about Shashank, her face glows with joy. Both believe they are made for each other and should get married at the earliest. Irrespective of what their parents may advice, they want to tie the knot right away. Everything seemed very rosy till the time they actually got married and went through the harsh practicality of life. Fights over petty issues and constant nagging from both sides turned their dream of heaven into hell.

Adolescence 

Teenage years are like spring in one’s life. When children enter their teens they go through certain biological and psychological changes, which is termed as adolescence. Physical attraction towards the opposite sex is natural fallout of adolescence, which is the transition period to adulthood. Children in their early teens who live under the protective shelter of their families barely experience life in all its aspects and often take life to be one fairytale. Infatuation is quick to grip their tender hearts and they often mistake it to be undying love.

It is not their fault; it is their age that is responsible for such misadventures. This is the time when they should be concentrating on their education and career. Unfortunately, these issues take a backseat. It is the parent’s prime duty and responsibility to guard their wards against such mishaps, to warn them about the pitfalls of infatuation and its disastrous effects on their future.

Here are some guidelines to help your child come out of the web of infatuation.

Tell them to be patient 

Tell them to buy time. Make it a deal. Ask them to wait till they become adults and secure their future. Then you can relent and consider their side too. Warn them not to take any decisions in a hurry. Make them understand that they need to give time and space to each other. Let them judge for themselves, whether their relationship can stand the test of time. 

Point out differences in lifestyles 

Social surroundings and one’s lifestyle plays a vital role in the extent of commitment and adjustment one can make. Is your child ready to sacrifice some to adjust to the lifestyle of his or her partner? As a parent, you must point out the differences in the lifestyle of both families and explain the pros and cons of the situation. Your ward might not be able to cope up with drastic changes. It is possible that they may have overlooked such parameters.

 

Stress on importance of financial security 

Let your children know how important it is to equate love with financial as well as social security, in order to get a healthy balance in life. Let them know gently, but firmly, that life seems hunky dory as long as the parents’ are providing their lavish lifestyles. Let them know that they should first strive to achieve that financial stability before they can build castles in the air.

 

Keep your communication lines open   

Doubts and misconceptions are two evils that can ruin one’s life. Encourage your child to be open and clear on all issues however trivial they may seem in the face of the current problem. By keeping the communication lines open you can win over your child’s trust. Knowing that you are a friend and are always there for your child, no matter what, is very important. It will make him see you as a supporter and well-wisher and not an opponent.

 

More to social relationships than ‘you’ and ‘me’ 

Children should learn that relationships flourish on trust but not on blind trust. They should know how to live within their means. Life should not be self-centric; it should enable you to see beyond “you” and “me”. They should be able to survive and sail through rough waters.

 

Arm them to take decisions 

Talk to your teenagers as young adults and not as children. Parents cannot force their teenagers to behave in a certain manner but surely they can guide them, so they are not misled. Imbibe them with the knowledge to differentiate between reality and illusion. There is absolutely nothing wrong in falling in love; it can be the most beautiful experience of one’s life provided decisions are taken with an open mind and clear head. Teach him the wisdom of “Love with thy heart; think with thy mind.”

All said and done, it is possible that you may not be able to save your teenager from the pitfalls of infatuation, but at least you have passed a word of caution.